Now I am actively and volitionally placing myself on a new journey that is basically one big messy road of vulnerability. There is really no way around it. I’m leaving my job—financial stability; my community—family & friends; my language—don’t get me started…But most significantly I think I am giving up my delusion of some supreme strength of my own. First, I can’t even get to El Salvador without your financial support. And emotionally, I wouldn’t make it through a week without the prayers, emails and phone calls of dear friends reminding me why I am stoked to begin this adventure. There is no way I will be able to make a meaningful impact on anything in El Salvador without God-like strength, God-like patience and a God-like trust in the big plan beyond my vision. And that is not something that I can supply, purchase or do a tutorial on—Godlikeness. In his journal about his time in Latin America, Henri Nouwen writes:
One of the most rewarding aspects of living in a strange land is the experience
of being loved not for what we can do, but for who we are. When we become
aware that our stuttering, failing, vulnerable selves are loved even when we
hardly progress, we can let go of compulsion to prove ourselves and be free to
live with others in a fellowship of the weak. Gracias, p.17
“Fellowship of the weak”—doesn’t that sound awful. It sounds lonely…and hard…and well, weak. But here is the thing—Jesus, as He walked this earth hung out with the weak—the poor, the sick, the broken. And when He was making His dream team of apostles, he basically told them to give up everything and just trust and follow Him—sounds pretty weak. (Try explaining that to your family…”Yea, I quit today to wander & learn from a guy with a really long beard and a special twinkle in His eyes…) And the more I think about it, the more I have to recognize that the Savior ultimately chose the most extreme form of weakness to save me—death on a cross.
In Luke 14:11 it says, “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” So maybe all of my running from weakness is a bit counterintuitive as a Christ-follower. And having been to El Salvador, I know that there is a lot more to weakness than my made-for TV conception of it. I have witnessed strength in weakness firsthand—people with no reason for hope, who hope anyway. Mother’s dreaming of college for kids when they didn’t get past the 5th grade. Poor people collecting enough in the Sunday offering to help some only slightly poorer person. Friendship offered even after so many relationships have failed them. The first line of the beatitudes says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” And while I don’t believe that I will ever be able to experience absolute solidarity in poverty, I hope to really learn what that means. Don’t get me wrong, every atom in my body still cries out for stability and strength—but God is leading me somewhere else—a place of vulnerability—a place of trust—and His great love compels me to follow. And because of that love—this new road is wonderful. Scary and hard and potentially ouchy yes, but truly wonderful.
Whew. That was a lot to say. I promise to try to make these missives shorter—sometimes I just get excited and want to share SO much!!
OK, here is how to pray for me this week:
- Spanish – Nope, not fluent yet. ;)
- Fundraising continues – I remain in awe that every week I get closer to my goal!
- Margin – There are a lot of things to do. Details, plans, things to learn, decisions to make, friends to see, tears to shed, movies to watch, dance moves to bust, etc. And then there is life—prayer, reading my Bible, exercising, eating, etc. All of that jumble of activity does not leave a whole lot of space for enjoying moments, soaking in Portland and loving the ones I love. Please pray that I learn how to cultivate the margin of living. I’ve never been good at margin and it seems like now is the time to learn.
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